Visual Omens - The Fourth
I botched a meeting yesterday between myself and James Syagrius. That I had all but decided not to pursue my offer to RECLT to join IPI is beside the point—the meeting shouldn’t have gone the way it did regardless.
I should have listened to Bataav and postponed it. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and trying to force myself to do it anyway simply resulted in...that
. But my desire to...I don’t know, somehow prove myself by being available...overrode my better judgment. “Duty,” I said. Common sense
is what I should have thought of.
Almost like when my gut tells me I shouldn’t undock but I do it anyway and come home in a pod. This wasn’t quite the same thing...but there’s a reason Bataav is actually the diplomat. I should have listened. I have a lot to learn.
Another photo came yesterday. I’d like to blame it for how I acted later. Maybe that’s true in a way but I also feel like it shouldn’t matter. I think to myself, The Suresha would never have ended up in the situation I did
. If anything he would have put James on the back foot, not the other way around. I can’t imagine James would have dared admonish him, either. “Young lady,” he called me. I wasn’t a president, not even Isha. Just a child who needed scolding.
I haven’t slept. I couldn’t, not after all that. The photo... I have no idea what it’s a picture of. All the same, it’s terrible and it scares the hell out of me for what it could be.
A lot is coming at me at once and some is of my own doing. All I can hope for is the strength to get through it all. This isn’t the way I want things to be.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Right?